$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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