so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
