The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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