Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
