It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
