He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
