there's paper in my vomit.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize