You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The uberlube is also flammable
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize