We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
