Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
