Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
