ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
