the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
