just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
