drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
