the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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