Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
