you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
