Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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