So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
