The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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