I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
