he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
