i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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