Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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