so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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