Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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