I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
