let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
