I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
