Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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