What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
