I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
