I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
