ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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