Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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