is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
