I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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