can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
