I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
