why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
