I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
