sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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