the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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