I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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