I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
