Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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