Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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