I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
