Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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