my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My balls are so social today.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
