i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
