hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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