I am spending my child support on dildos
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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