She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
