I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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