Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
